Part three, The Abandoned School
Part three, The Abandoned School
The morning came and I felt like I was under my car. The sheets weighted on me, as if they were made of cement, keeping me from getting up. Every breath I took made me sink deeper and deeper into the mattress. My ears were ringing and my eyes filled with water the moment I opened them, one hour before my alarm went off. I'm going to work from home today, I wrote before closing my laptop and laying there, immobile.
I stayed awake in bed for about six hours. I heard Zev wake up and leave. I heard cars drive by and the television repeat news to my dog. I saw meeting alerts pop up on my phone. I occasionally cried for no apparent reason.
As I shuffled and turned my sheets knotted in the middle of the bed. All four corners of the mattress were exposed and I laid sweaty on the edge of it. I hadn't showered in two days and my head was itchy.
I foggily walked downstairs and spotted a note on the counter. The same counter where I bent over and cried the night before. “We are both suffering in our own way. Perhaps this is when we need each other the most. I hope you find peace and rest today. Love, Zev”.
Zev is a good man. He is the kindest man I have ever met. Despite the love we have for each other, we struggle to find happiness. We chase each other like squirrels around a tree, looking for that fleeting feeling of comfort we once took for granted. He would be back in a couple of hours. I could stay home and be myself, or go to work and be someone else.
“You’re here!”. “Yes, I felt better and decided to come in”. I smiled, I laughed, I made jokes. I was boisterous and on fire. As people laughed with me I wondered what they would say if they knew I had a noose around my neck the night before. What would happen if I just blurted out "I tried to kill myself yesterday!". What would they think if they knew that, after picking up the pieces of my mind off the grass, I got dressed and went to a party. If they only knew how good I was at being two people.
The day came to an end and again it was time to go home. My body shook when I saw Zev's car parked on the driveway. It meant I had to face him and myself. I stopped, turned around and drove away. I parked in an abandoned school nearby.
I was at this very parking lot the night before, wondering if anyone would be alarmed at the stranger sitting in the dark. I looked at the building through the glass. I could almost hear the children that once ran around the yards and hallways. If those walls could talk they would speak of tears, and laughter, and potential. Now everything in the crumbling building collected dust. Maybe there was someone in there right now. Teenagers smoking pot or another man lost in his own thoughts.
I turned off the engine, lowered the windows, pushed the car seat back and tried to sleep. I used my bag as a pillow and snuggled into the seat. It was quiet and peaceful.
After a while the car made a few strange mechanical noises. Locks fastened, fans stopped and lights clicked off. It occurred to me I had never been in the car for that long after turning the engine off. I was hearing things the car manufacturer didn't intend for anyone to hear. The car should have been empty by now.
My stomach started grumbling and I realized there was no bathroom in my car. My brow wrinkled as I soiled my underwear a little.
I pushed the seat back up, started the engine and drove home. When I walked in I realized it was empty. Zev's toothbrush was gone. He'll spend the night out and I will miss him, so very much.
The morning came and I felt like I was under my car. The sheets weighted on me, as if they were made of cement, keeping me from getting up. Every breath I took made me sink deeper and deeper into the mattress. My ears were ringing and my eyes filled with water the moment I opened them, one hour before my alarm went off. I'm going to work from home today, I wrote before closing my laptop and laying there, immobile.
I stayed awake in bed for about six hours. I heard Zev wake up and leave. I heard cars drive by and the television repeat news to my dog. I saw meeting alerts pop up on my phone. I occasionally cried for no apparent reason.
As I shuffled and turned my sheets knotted in the middle of the bed. All four corners of the mattress were exposed and I laid sweaty on the edge of it. I hadn't showered in two days and my head was itchy.
I foggily walked downstairs and spotted a note on the counter. The same counter where I bent over and cried the night before. “We are both suffering in our own way. Perhaps this is when we need each other the most. I hope you find peace and rest today. Love, Zev”.
Zev is a good man. He is the kindest man I have ever met. Despite the love we have for each other, we struggle to find happiness. We chase each other like squirrels around a tree, looking for that fleeting feeling of comfort we once took for granted. He would be back in a couple of hours. I could stay home and be myself, or go to work and be someone else.
“You’re here!”. “Yes, I felt better and decided to come in”. I smiled, I laughed, I made jokes. I was boisterous and on fire. As people laughed with me I wondered what they would say if they knew I had a noose around my neck the night before. What would happen if I just blurted out "I tried to kill myself yesterday!". What would they think if they knew that, after picking up the pieces of my mind off the grass, I got dressed and went to a party. If they only knew how good I was at being two people.
The day came to an end and again it was time to go home. My body shook when I saw Zev's car parked on the driveway. It meant I had to face him and myself. I stopped, turned around and drove away. I parked in an abandoned school nearby.
I was at this very parking lot the night before, wondering if anyone would be alarmed at the stranger sitting in the dark. I looked at the building through the glass. I could almost hear the children that once ran around the yards and hallways. If those walls could talk they would speak of tears, and laughter, and potential. Now everything in the crumbling building collected dust. Maybe there was someone in there right now. Teenagers smoking pot or another man lost in his own thoughts.
I turned off the engine, lowered the windows, pushed the car seat back and tried to sleep. I used my bag as a pillow and snuggled into the seat. It was quiet and peaceful.
After a while the car made a few strange mechanical noises. Locks fastened, fans stopped and lights clicked off. It occurred to me I had never been in the car for that long after turning the engine off. I was hearing things the car manufacturer didn't intend for anyone to hear. The car should have been empty by now.
My stomach started grumbling and I realized there was no bathroom in my car. My brow wrinkled as I soiled my underwear a little.
I pushed the seat back up, started the engine and drove home. When I walked in I realized it was empty. Zev's toothbrush was gone. He'll spend the night out and I will miss him, so very much.
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