Part two, The Tree
Part two, The Tree
I was no longer crying. My face was numb. I walked vigorously, with intention, like a rehearsed play. I went into the garage and stood in the middle, looking around. A stepladder. Zev's stepfather gave it to us when he moved away. I pulled it off the hook and looked around again. An extension cord, that should do it. I grabbed it with my free hand and went back into the house. The dog stared at me, concerned, as I walked from the garage door to the patio door. He is such a good, gentle dog. I went up to the tree and set my ladder under it.
I had thought about this many times before. I imagined my body hanging from this very branch. It would undoubtedly be a terrifying sight for whoever would find me. I thought it would be best to hang facing away from the house.
This tree would be eerie forever after. Maybe it will get cut down and the pool will finally get some sun. I wondered if Zev would have it cut before selling the house. I imagined the real estate agent revealing that a man had hanged himself in the garden.
I climbed the ladder, it was shaky. I stood at the top and stared for a while at the bright orange wire in my hands. I heard kids playing in the park. A squirrel watched me from the tree, unafraid. I wondered if any neighbours would see me. If anyone would shout, "Hey! What are you doing?". Maybe someone will call the police. None of this happened. I swung the rope around the tree and stood still some more. My mind went blank.
I could see myself from up above standing at the top of the stairs with the rope in my hands. I tied a knot around the branch, and fashioned a noose. I wondered if my head would fit through it. I squeezed it hard, reckoned it would hold. The ladder wobbled.
An overwhelming sadness came over me. I brought the rope to my chin and cried. I felt as if I was paralyzed for hours. A sad man, on top of a ladder, holding a rope, crying. I thought about that story I saw on TV about people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. They had footage of several jumpers. They all seemed to stand at the edge of the bridge for a long time, before plummeting to their death. I imagined myself on the TV screen. This was not an easy step to take. This ladder was shaky.
I thought if I only put my head through this noose, it would all be over. I wouldn't even have to kick the ladder from under me. It could accidentally tip over and the wire would cut my airways. No one would ever know it had been an accident. This thought saddened me more. I felt pain again and cried.
My mind drifted away for what felt like hours. Eventually I bent over in a bow and once again shouted in my head Why?!. Slowly, I climbed off the ladder, defeated. Ruined. I crawled on my hands and knees and pressed my forehead to the grass, a faint smell of dog urine filled my nostrils. I was just so incredibly sad.
After some time I grabbed the phone from my pocket and found the number for the suicide hotline. I've called that number before. It never really helped. I heard the voice on the other side saying, "Hello?". I stayed silent. She waited. I wondered if they got silent callers often. Maybe they were told during training not to hang up. "Hello?" she said again. She knew I was here. A small gust of breath escaped my mouth as I tried to hold back my tears. "Hello?". I put the phone down. I tried to hang up, but I think she hung up first.
Time slowed down as I put it all away. I dropped the ladder on the garage floor and it made a loud sound. It was a satisfying metal sound. It was the same sound the knife had made when I put it down the counter. It was the sound of metal to stone. The sound that spoke of what had almost just happened. I kicked the ladder, and I kicked it again. I threw the wire all over the room. I kicked a box, and the garbage bin, and anything else I could find. I kicked and screamed and left a mess.
How could Zev just leave me crying on the floor?
I was no longer crying. My face was numb. I walked vigorously, with intention, like a rehearsed play. I went into the garage and stood in the middle, looking around. A stepladder. Zev's stepfather gave it to us when he moved away. I pulled it off the hook and looked around again. An extension cord, that should do it. I grabbed it with my free hand and went back into the house. The dog stared at me, concerned, as I walked from the garage door to the patio door. He is such a good, gentle dog. I went up to the tree and set my ladder under it.
I had thought about this many times before. I imagined my body hanging from this very branch. It would undoubtedly be a terrifying sight for whoever would find me. I thought it would be best to hang facing away from the house.
This tree would be eerie forever after. Maybe it will get cut down and the pool will finally get some sun. I wondered if Zev would have it cut before selling the house. I imagined the real estate agent revealing that a man had hanged himself in the garden.
I climbed the ladder, it was shaky. I stood at the top and stared for a while at the bright orange wire in my hands. I heard kids playing in the park. A squirrel watched me from the tree, unafraid. I wondered if any neighbours would see me. If anyone would shout, "Hey! What are you doing?". Maybe someone will call the police. None of this happened. I swung the rope around the tree and stood still some more. My mind went blank.
I could see myself from up above standing at the top of the stairs with the rope in my hands. I tied a knot around the branch, and fashioned a noose. I wondered if my head would fit through it. I squeezed it hard, reckoned it would hold. The ladder wobbled.
An overwhelming sadness came over me. I brought the rope to my chin and cried. I felt as if I was paralyzed for hours. A sad man, on top of a ladder, holding a rope, crying. I thought about that story I saw on TV about people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. They had footage of several jumpers. They all seemed to stand at the edge of the bridge for a long time, before plummeting to their death. I imagined myself on the TV screen. This was not an easy step to take. This ladder was shaky.
I thought if I only put my head through this noose, it would all be over. I wouldn't even have to kick the ladder from under me. It could accidentally tip over and the wire would cut my airways. No one would ever know it had been an accident. This thought saddened me more. I felt pain again and cried.
My mind drifted away for what felt like hours. Eventually I bent over in a bow and once again shouted in my head Why?!. Slowly, I climbed off the ladder, defeated. Ruined. I crawled on my hands and knees and pressed my forehead to the grass, a faint smell of dog urine filled my nostrils. I was just so incredibly sad.
After some time I grabbed the phone from my pocket and found the number for the suicide hotline. I've called that number before. It never really helped. I heard the voice on the other side saying, "Hello?". I stayed silent. She waited. I wondered if they got silent callers often. Maybe they were told during training not to hang up. "Hello?" she said again. She knew I was here. A small gust of breath escaped my mouth as I tried to hold back my tears. "Hello?". I put the phone down. I tried to hang up, but I think she hung up first.
Time slowed down as I put it all away. I dropped the ladder on the garage floor and it made a loud sound. It was a satisfying metal sound. It was the same sound the knife had made when I put it down the counter. It was the sound of metal to stone. The sound that spoke of what had almost just happened. I kicked the ladder, and I kicked it again. I threw the wire all over the room. I kicked a box, and the garbage bin, and anything else I could find. I kicked and screamed and left a mess.
How could Zev just leave me crying on the floor?
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